Upon the announcement of the impending resignation of Pope Benedict XVI at the end of February, QueerLandia immediately contacted our secret Vatican correspondent, Pompous Erroneous (not his real name), and directed him to find out what was REALLY going on. After hours of diligent digging, we can now report why the Pope is leaving, and what his plans are for the rest of his life.
In an unbelievable report, QL’s highly placed source in the Catholic Church has discovered a truth that dare not speak it’s name….
The Pope has decided to give up his throne, go to Spain, and marry his long time secret gay lover. Vatican sources inform QL that Ratzinger (aka Pope Benedict XVI), moved by his favorite American actor Jim Nabors’ recent marriage to his partner of 38 years, has decided to cast off the dresses, the alter boys, and the Prada slippers (ok, he’s keeping the slippers, we’re pretty sure), and plans to travel to the Spanish Riviera to tie the knot. Despite diligent digging on our correspondent’s part, we were unable to find out who the Pope’s intended is, but we’ll be watching departures from the Vatican closely, to see who might be leaving with their Papi.
Ratzinger, Erroneous reports , has long been bored with the Papacy, as evidenced by the picture above, and has been looking for an “out”. When the previous Pope, John Paul II, turned down his request to become the Vatican librarian, Ratzinger considered resigning and traveling to Spain then, but was, apparently, told to stay. Information regarding his activities in the Hitler Youth may have been held over his head, forcing him to remain. Insiders report he was perplexed and exasperated when elected Pope in 2005, but accepted the appointment anyway, as one does not turn down “God” when he “elects” you to be Pope. Once presented with the funny hat and the gold scepter, Ratzinger was disappointed to find out that being a modern Pope wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Popes in the past had unlimited power, and could pretty much run the western world. Today’s Catholics, however, tend to treat the Pope like a politician… they behave like he’s an important person when he’s close to them, but quickly move on to doing whatever they want once he’s out of the area. It’s been a big let down for Ratzinger to see how little he really controls, and how little he influences anyone outside the Vatican walls. Despite attempts to issue letters and other arcane religious commands, most people, even Catholics, don’t actually obey him.
Now 85 years old, and with his health “failing”, Ratzinger has figured out how to kill two birds with one stone. He’ll resign and slip off to Spain to have a UC of C minister marry him and his lover (whoever that might be). He’ll then retire to his childhood home of Bavaria, and live out the rest of his years in marital bliss (or as much bliss as his 85 year old heart can take. Not to mention his 85 year old other parts. OK, we shouldn’t have mentioned his other parts. Sorry).
The Vatican is abuzz with two mysteries now. The first, who will “God” “elect” to be the next Pope, and second, who is Benedict giving up the sweetest gig on the planet for? Infighting for the white smoke signal will be intense, even though “God” has already decided who the next Pope will be. Erroneous reports that his source expects the clamor over the vote is how Ratzinger plans to sneak his fiance out of the Vatican, right under the noses of the Bishops and Cardinals. (that or through one of those secret tunnels that run under the Vatican. We’re sure at least one of them seen in the movies is real)
QL will have it’s sources around the planet on high alert, keeping an eye out for Papi and his “alter boy”, just in case the Spanish Riviera stories are a smoke screen designed to misdirect inquiring minds. When we find out, we’ll bring you the news, quicker than you can say “who was that man in a dress?”
Just another Queer service by our dedicated staff, to keep you informed. Stay tuned.