“Unkindness can be undone.  It is never too late to be kind.  If you have erred against another, make restitution.  By doing so, you give yourself a gift of reconciliation, which will empower you to be kinder to yourself.” (Fear Not-Venture to Inner Peace by Alan Lohner).

I like the idea of restitution and reconciliation.  So many times, we dig in our heels in self righteousness and, frankly, stubbornness, determined to prove that we are right, and that the other person(s) isn’t going to get the best of us.  But what does this accomplish, really?  We miss out on the good things, the things we love about the other person in service to…what, exactly?  I suppose we might gain some sense of self respect knowing we’re not letting the other person walk all over us.  And sometimes, separating ourselves from those that hurt us, or those who don’t understand the impact of their actions on us, is a very good thing.  But sometimes it’s just plain stubbornness.  Is there room for compassion towards the other person?  Are there things you can agree to disagree about and still feel safe?

Let me be clear that I’m not talking about forgiveness, at least not in the traditional Christian sense.  I’m talking about weighing each situation and deciding if it’s worth it to stay estranged, or if there’s room for a truce.  I think in the Christian sense, forgiveness is about, essentially, letting the other person off the hook and, in some ways, acting as if the offending act never happened.  This is different from acknowledging the event happened and that it was hurtful, but deciding that, in the end, the relationship is more important than one hurtful act.  Sometimes that’s not possible or safe, and those are not the situations I’m talking about here.

Back to the quote…I’m not sure I agree that unkindness can be undone.  Hurtful words and acts don’t disappear because we’re sorry or because we regret them.  But maybe we can balance things out…do or say things that begin the sometimes difficult journey of rebuilding trust, and repairing the relationship.  Who hasn’t made mistakes…hurt those we love…said something we immediately regretted? Obviously, some mistakes are much bigger and more damaging than others. Probably everyone can relate to this by looking back to their youth!  Remember the time you made fun of the new girl because she didn’t wear the ‘right’ clothes, or rejected the geeky fat kid who didn’t get picked for kickball?  Maybe these specific scenarios don’t resonate with you, but I’ll bet there’s something from your past that fits here. Chances are, you’re not the same person today that you were then.  You learned, matured, grew as a person.  I believe there is hope for growth and insight in all of us.

Many of us in the LGBT community have suffered at the hands of others, whether it be family, friends, coworkers or society as a whole. Maybe there are some things that are unforgivable and should not be overlooked.  There are things that need to be challenged and fought against (and for), especially when it comes to fighting for our rights as citizens and, on a more personal level, human beings. Maybe the key is knowing what battles are worth fighting, and which would cost us far more in stress, anxiety and sometimes personal relationships.  As in all things, I think that balance is the important issue.